| what the hell |

THIS.IS.A.VERY.BUSY.WEEK. I feel more like a robot than a human. There's too many task, too many work, too many things that I need to put into consideration. A micro teaching, a lesson plan and a focus paper need to be submitted by next week. That's a lot. For a people like me.

I think I've come to a stage where I'm very desperate to finish those things. Last night was very crazy. Have been working on micro teaching with Izni for one whole day. Almost. But our effort wasn't good enough. Thus, we have to change the whole thing. I started acting like a child who are seeking for attention. Throwing tantrums, jump on the floor like one crazy bitch. The assignments is a big deal.


My academic tutor has started sending emails, demanding for our drafts. I think she's quite disappointed in us. Most of us keep procrastinating in doing the assignments. Including me. I've been absent from few classes. Not because I'm sick. I just don't feel like going.

Despite having heaps of assignments, I can't help but still thinking of you. And you. I didn't expect to see you last night. But I'm glad I saw you. It is just that I can't control the feeling deep inside me. What the heck am I thinking?? That's just a temporary feeling right?

Gotta get back to work. *Sigh*

| When I am too desperate to speak my heart out |

My life are getting more miserable day by day. I keep on thinking on unnecessary things. I am so tired with everything. When will it be easier for me?

I know that keep comparing myself with others won't make me any better but I just can't help but keep on doing that. My life, I think that it really sucks. I always make wrong decision where eventually put me in a state of depression. Letting go isn't easy but now it is not an option anymore. It is something that I should have done long before. Long before it get serious and lead to my bleeding heart. 

It is freaking annoying when I get confused between loving and liking. Or it is just a crush. Yes, it should be just a crush. I like him, I want him. Temporarily. That's all. Plus, he is such a jerk. For sure I can live without him right? 

Why can't I stick to that one person who always truly love me? Why can't I be like before? The loyal one. The faithful one. I keep telling myself everyday that I should stop being a bad girl. Karma will hunt me back for the sin I've done. I can't deny every mistake I did.

Aya, kau macam lalang. Tak ada pendirian.

| Bila hati berbicara |

 

These past few days, I keep feeling empty, in my heart. Is it because of the sins I've committed before? I don't know why but everything seems to be gloomy and I can't make sense of any of it. Has the time come?

One of my friend just broke up with her boyfriend. There's no one to be blamed because it is none of their fault. The girl just wanna change. Change for better. A change to gain the eternal love from Allah. She said that she really need that change. She don't want to commit any sin anymore. There will never be term like best friend between a boy and a girl. The more they think about each other, the more guilty she felt. That's the reason of the break up.

This situation really makes me think deeply and thoughtfully today. I don't know how to put it in words but my friend's decision did leave an impact to my heart. I wanna change. I wanna change into a better person.  The world is getting to its end. Everyone will soon die. But I'm scared that I can't commit to the changes.. :(
I wish I could be like her. I wish I am brave enough to make such choices.

Dear Allah, please lead me to the right path. Show me the way to gain your love and spare me a place in your heaven. Amin..

| Why so confused? |

I really feel lost today. I kinda can't stop thinking bout so many things at the same time. There's a draft that I should complete to show to my lecturer on Monday. There is 500 words book review and an interactive presentation on Tuesday. My mind isn't working. I can't really think of those assignments.

My feeling; mixed up. I can't stop thinking of him.

People, what do you do when you love this person and at the same time you kinda like another person? :/

| I am fucked up |

I hate it so much when people like you started to control my life.

Why can't I decide what I wanna do, who I wanna be friend with and where I wanna be?

Don't make such a fuss over my life will you?

Yeah, I do love you. 

But the thing is, if this thing keeps on going on, I can't help but starting to step down a bit from you.

I am sorry. I just wanna lose control.

| perasaan yang kucar kacir |

I love you. You will never know that, but I do.